Issues

Well... I've spent the last several hours in self pity. I've been in tears for my boys and their struggles in school. Wondering if I could have prevented Cohens issues by having stayed pregnant longer to let his lungs develop... to give him a chance to not have to possibly have these struggles that he most likely faces. I've wondered what has happened to my big-little boy (Ethan) and why we have so many issues with him. All those should have, could have, doubts. For a moment I felt that I have completely failed as a mother, and with all my great intentions, just haven't actually DONE enough. Not having answers. Not having time. Each day slips by with so much we could have/should have done but just ran short on hours in a day. I'm not cut out for this grown-up thing we call life and motherhood. After the pastors sermon on Sunday about our mark on future generations, I feel even more intimidated by this task I have and how it could affect SO MANY more than just me or my sons. Defeated.

But, as my tears dry and I try to look ahead again, I realize my kids are who God made them. And for some insane reason, he decided to give them to me. So... tighten the belt, stand up straight, and each day is a new chance. Still heartbroken... still discouraged, but not quite as defeated as yesterday.

My Blessing is My Curse

Everyone knows the person I'm taking about (or should)... the woman... who sits quietly reserved but attentive during a conversation. She listens with compassionate eyes and a warmth in her face while you go on and on. When you need a word, she says it, but mostly... she just listens. She loves. She processes. And when she speaks, they are meaningful and make an impact. She says more in her few words than you did in the whole epilogue. You see her as wise. Her softness is her strength.

"She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ"

I have always wanted to be that person. I'm not. I am blessed with a strong will, a loud voice, but a spirit to learn. Someday I'll figure out how to balance this, and maybe I'll make a difference in someone's life because I could actually figure out how to approach a conversation in a way that was moldable instead of confrontational. In the mean time, I figure a blog is an appropriate way to get my thoughts out without word-vomiting on those I care about that are closest to me- and in doing so, maybe even improve my silence.